“Yes, can I have half a lager and lime,
a chicken crisps and a hedgehog flavoured one,
a packet of dry roasted peanuts,
a bag of pork scratchings
and one more pint of Mongbow, please!”

“Ha, don’t you mean Strongbow?”

“No, I wish. I said it correctly the first time.
I mean, look at him over there, Jesus Christ,
he’s only had three pints, this’ll be his fourth
and he’s plastered already, I remember when he
could do fifteen and then a hundred press-ups.
He turned sixty last week and God Bless Him
but he’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot!”

“Oh, you crack me up, you pair do, hahaha!”

“I’m serious, he won’t finish all of this one
then there’s a snoring taxi ride home.
He’s going straight out on the old settee
that I’ve dragged out to the utility room for him.
Our days of romance are long gone, I tell thee,
if I want to feel good in bed I take ice-cream,
biscuits and cake up the stairs with me.
You can laugh, if I bloody take him to bed
he’ll get horny at first but won’t quite be able
to get it uP! Then he’ll spend five minutes
trying to insert it with only half a trunk on,
then he’ll fall asleep and piss all over me.
Sod that for a game of cowing soldiers,
I’ve learnt the hard way, Mongbow it is indeed!”

Written by Paul Tristram


Available to buy via Lulu


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