POETRY: DEAL MAKER BREAKER BY PAUL TRISTRAM

“Why are you crying again?
That’s three Wednesdays in a row, now.
If it keeps up I’m gonna stop meeting you
for lunch every week, it’s depressing, mun.”

“Oh, we’ve split up again
and he’s sleeping on his mate Steve’s settee,
I hate him, he’s always taking him away
from me, the Bastard!”

“What happened this time?”

“Well, I only told him to change his jeans?”

“Why, did they have something on them,
were they dirty, or creased or ripped even?”

“No, No, I had just laid out my favourite pair,
he did the same the other week with that jumper,
do you remember all that fuss?”

“Yes, I remember!”

“I just don’t know what his problem is?
I mean, I try my best to make him a better man,
I really do but he throws it back in my face,
it’s heart breaking, I don’t know why I bother?”

“Jesus Christ, he was thirty years old
when you met him, he’s been dressing himself
for most of his life and he always looks smart.
I bet he’s not always trying to dress you, is he?
Last month you threw out his Sex Pistols Cd’s,
seriously, what is wrong with you?”

“I replaced them with Oasis,
I thought we could both sing along to them?”

“But he likes the Sex Pistols!”

“Nothing but a bloody racket, if you ask me.
It’s my house too, he needs to learn to share.
he’s not Single anymore, you know!”

“No, he’s not…but he might soon be!”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Look, I love you, you’re my only sister
but get yourself a little lapdog and dress that up,
leave your man alone to do what he likes
as long as it ain’t hurting anybody.
You ‘re gonna lose him, I mean it,
because you’re driving him nuts
and you’re taking me along for the bloody ride!”

Written by Paul Tristram

Barstool

Available to buy via Lulu

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