POETRY: PENIS DICK BY PAUL TRISTRAM

“It has to be the best bit of name calling I’ve ever heard!
That old couple in their late 70’s,
always in The Poacher’s Pockets early afternoons on weekdays.
Normally both as quiet as mice… aye, she’s quite a big piece,
dresses like an entire Hen Night all by herself.
He’s as skinny as a rake, walks like Chaplin,
wears an old tweed suit with a bowtie
and a USA baseball cap that’s too big for him, funny looking chap.
It was the Giro Day Knobby Chip-Pan proposed to Slasher (Soft Cunt!)
we were all in there wearing the most outrageous and ridiculous
Charity Shop cloths we could find (I nearly took someone’s eye out
with a flying monocle later in the evening but that’s another story!)
Anyway, no one heard what started it but all of a sudden she screamed
‘Penis Dick!’ we all spun ‘round to see her beetroot in the face
and picking her false teeth up out of her lap.
He just sat there shrinking in stature and farted twice,
the second time a little more pathetic than the first and said ‘You win!’
Well, I had to go out tha back for a fag, I was in fucking tears, mun!”

Written by Paul Tristram

Barstool

Available to buy via Lulu

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